I can count on one hand how many times I’ve felt safe in a classroom environment.
I noticed something was different about me in grade 5 when my teacher, Ms. Dianne, asked me to read out loud in front of a small group of students. I don’t recall the name of the novel, but I remember this moment vividly because it was my first time actually reading one and for the next three pages my voice trembled, I mispronounced several words, and although I couldn’t identify it at the time, I now believe my 20-year relationship with anxiety started shortly thereafter that feeling of discomfort. One might argue that it was ‘all in my head.’ That I experienced stage fright and at that age, I was still learning and developing my communication skills.
But as the years went on and I began High School, it became evident that I had a slower learning curve than the rest of my friends and had to try twice as hard only to achieve average grades. While sitting in class, it was very difficult to keep up with the lesson plans and to be quite honest it was as if my teachers spoke in a foreign language. I often walked out of every lesson feeling confused and unclear about the homework I needed to complete that week. There were times when I’d attend group study or get help after school one-on-one, but inside my mind, the puzzle pieces never fit together as seamlessly as it appeared to for everyone else. I’d read textbooks and have a difficult time processing the information and you could play a game of tic tac toe in the numerous blanks I’d leave behind on homework assignments and tests. To make up for failed classes I attended both summer school and night school year after year. You haven’t a clue how frustrating it is to put in an honest effort and make little to no progress.
In my grade 11 summer school English class, the teacher handed back my quiz. I didn’t do well and he made it a point to embarrass me in front of my peers. “Pauleanna, was this difficult for you?” He asked. I heard him but didn’t look away from the white piece of paper. My eyes were fixed on all the red ‘X’ marks that slashed through each of my answers. My friend sitting at the desk to my left nudged me out of my half-conscious state. Needless to say, from the first day of grade nine through to the very moment I graduated, I floated through those four years and I’ve since blocked out the details of so many painful memories of my High School experience.
To let out my frustration, I journaled and sketched images that represented what my life looked like in my dream world – much like everything I am doing today. But with very little understanding of how to arrive at that point, I forfeited my power and allowed teachers, guidance counselors, and family members to design my life instead. So I applied for a college program that was pre-selected for me in an effort to ‘play it safe’ as instructed; quickly falling into a deep depression and eventually dropped out.
After deciding to leave school, I turned the world into my classroom. Like many other creatives who share similar backgrounds, instead of earning a degree, I opted to job shadow mentors, request informational interviews from world-class performers, and raise my hand for every opportunity that would propel me one step closer to my goals of becoming a writer and founder of my own company. I dismissed traditional education for a long time because I didn’t feel supported and knew first-hand that some teachers turn a blind eye even when you ask for help. I was committed to figuring shit out on my own and there was no way in hell I’d ever step foot inside a classroom again.
But in 2018, a short yet very impactful conversation with my friend Robin – also a successful business owner – changed everything. She told me about the women’s leadership program at the Yale School of Management – Executive Education. After completing the course, she raved about the curriculum and suggested that I should consider going back to school and conquering my fear. I sat on her advice for two years and did nothing about it and then the pandemic hit and it occurred to me that I could no longer hide behind any excuses. I had the disposable income, Canadian borders were (and are still) closed and so, with my travel schedule cleared I had the time to invest. When I really thought about it, I realized that registering with one single class wouldn’t kill me; it was a good first step forward.
Let me tell you something.
My final grade: 92.6
Week after week, my confidence increased as I earned straight 90s – with the exception of one 70% for Module 5. This personal victory was the result of discovering that I am a visual learner and fortunately for me, this program delivered its lessons with various visual components such as videos, graphs, diagrams, and even a discussion board to share your thoughts and participate in ongoing conversations with other executive students across the world.
Masters learn from masters. I am so glad I listened to my friend who not only saw the potential in me but also reminded me that I should never be afraid to start over. When you lean into resistance, there’s freedom in it. I took a 6-week course which changed my perspective and I’ve gained peace of mind knowing that I still have the liberty to customize my life-long learning experiences on my own terms.