“Are you looking for advice or a listening ear? I’m here for you, so either option is okay with me.”
These were the words I offered a friend during one of our recent conversations. She was at a bit of a stalemate with a business venture and wanted an ear (and opinion, I assumed) to help untangle the details, business owner to business owner. However, after some time, I thought it best to pivot my approach when she seemed to be a bit taken aback by my straightforwardness. In the moment, it was what the topic called for, but after a few minutes, it became painfully clear that what she may have been seeking was solely emotional support.
According to today’s online discourse, I guess I’m what most would deem the “strict friend”; the one you DON’T go to if you want to be coddled.
But there’s a distinction here that I think is very necessary. While I may not be a “yes man,” or subscribe to group think, I absolutely know when grace and compassion needs to take precedence over a lecture (with love, of course). This is also not the same as the so-called friends who lean into condescension as a means to inflate their ego under the guise of “tough love”.
No. Who I am is the friend who will listen to your dreams, heartbreak, or even the issues keeping you up at night, and be there, hand in hand, plotting your next move forward.
I’m the “solution-oriented” friend. And if we’re being honest, we all need them.
I’m the friend who believes in your dreams, but also understands the fear that can sometimes be attached to taking the first step. I see the person beyond the imposter syndrome who sometimes needs to be reminded of their greatness. And I’m absolutely the woman rooting for you with gentle nudges that say, “you deserve better than any person or situation that’s breaking your heart.” The problem I often encounter, however, is whether the person on the receiving end is ready to sit with that reality and those words.
Sometimes, the answer is no. And that’s okay.
How I see it, conformity bias should never replace the sincerity required to maintain healthy friendship. For true friendship to last, it must be built on authenticity, not blind appeasement, and our shared commitment to holding each other accountable to our growth, and the visions we hold for our highest selves.
I’ll never forget the first time a friend mistook my honesty for apathy, which caused a small rift in our relationship. I was devastated. Not because I thought I’d said something wrong, but because of how misunderstood I walked away feeling. I listened, I shared in her pain, and in between those emotions, I’d offered her a resolution. It’s who she knew me to be, but this time, it wasn’t what she wanted, and I was the last to know.
The encounter troubled me so much, I immediately booked a call with my therapist. There, I learned to be okay meeting people where they are, and where their capacity allowed them to be. In doing so, I could maintain the relationships that meant the most to me without adapting or shrinking how I wished to show up in these dynamics.
You see, authenticity in action means saying the thing even if the impact lands weeks or even months later. It means allowing yourself to be an honest and dependable voice in a world full of uniformity. That is where expansion lies; in thought and especially in what we’re capable of achieving.
For anyone in my life, let me be clear: my desire to want what’s best for you in the long term may sometimes seem louder than the comfort needed in the immediate moment. While I may not always have flowery language, I’ll always be truthful. No, it might not be what you’re prepared for, but it will always stem from a place of love. Because, despite what may be weighing on you today, I know you have the ability to be unstoppable tomorrow, and every day after.
Trust me.