When I was 21, suicidal thoughts came back and depression loomed like a shadow in the night, stealing away my happiness, replacing it with anxiety and despair. Some days I couldn’t find the strength to come up for air. As if I was drowning in oceans, I could barely hold my head above, let alone tread water in. I felt empty. Didn’t feel worthy.
My world was filled with people, yet I still felt alone. My only company was the reflections of my past, I held them nightly. Often waking up in a cold sweat – with only my anxiety laying on the pillow beside me. Leaving me feeling stuck in the grey, somewhere between success and failure. Somewhere between good and great.
At 21, I finally gained the courage to make the great escape – at the subway stop leaning over the edge of the forbidden yellow line. That morning I kissed my parents, my brother and sister goodbye. When they asked me if I was ok, like many times before, I told them “I am fine.” Side note: When I tell you I’m fine, I really mean I’m not. For years, I was drowning in depression, but no one ever cared to ask why.
Instead, I was judged for being different and different is not accepted.
And as the train approaches, I close my eyes and hold my breath. People scream. Lights flash. But amongst the chaos, God revealed himself to me for the first time. As if to say that I wasn’t allowed to throw my gift onto the tracks like discarded trash.
That I, I was a treasure and I just didn’t know it yet.
Peace & Love,