Years ago I made a list of qualities I wanted in a partner. He had to be intelligent, family oriented and sit with me during reruns of Seinfeld (whether he liked it or not). The list that started as a few short things quickly evolved into pages of what I believed was a perfectly curated man who I could envision myself marrying.
Girl, pages, and pages…
Ultimately, it did more harm than good because I was driving myself crazy and judging every guy I’d meet based on this criteria. If he was 5’9, nope, he had to be 6’1. If he had kids, nope, I wanted to be the first and only. If he was still trying to find his purpose, nope, he should’ve had a life plan already. I would literally come to my own conclusion about him before the first date ended.
Standards are one thing, but becoming obsessively crazy about a piece of paper is a whole ‘nother story. I came to my senses when one by one, my exes started getting married. It was evident that we had the same goal, but took very different paths. As photographs and announcements filled my timelines with the precious milestones of Joel, Derek and Jason’s lives – young men I once dated – I was forced to reflect on some of the decisions I’ve made. In fact, I could count all the good guys I previously declined, the calls I didn’t respond to, and the selfishness I illustrated because I was so committed to this damn list. I created it with the intention of finding my partner, when it was actually doing the opposite by turning them off.
While I do believe in moving with intention, in the same breath I also believe that some things cannot be planned. I recently burned my list and started dating with a new approach. It’s called ‘stop being crazy and start being open’
Open to new people, environments, and experiences
Open to men who may not fit ‘my type’
Open to big laughs and having fun
Girlfriend, it’s made a world of difference. Yes, I would like to get married someday. Yes, I would like to have a family. But I want it all to happen when it’s suppose to, not because I forced it to. At this point in my life, I really would love to establish beautiful friendships, learn how to be more spontaneous and redirect my focus. Because in the process of learning about others (without rules, plans or lists), I’m learning so much about myself. I’m super happy to report that my dating life is no longer a complete bust. It’s actually turning into an interesting journey. I recently met someone I really like and I’m enjoying navigating this friendship with hopes that it will evolve, but if it doesn’t that’s okay too.
Peace & Love,